girly pursuits.

My niece Grace likes many things, but two things in particular are 1) Wearing pink glittery shoes and 2) Iron Man.

I don’t see that the two have to be mutually exclusive, but this was apparently news to card manufacturers this year.  In selecting a card to accompany the gift for her second birthday, I found that they are very specific in their gendering.  Superhero, truck and dinosaur cards were very specifically addressed to boys, while the girls basically got a selection that ranged from Princess to Princess.  Frustrated, I selected one of the few gender-neutral cards available.  It’s a shame, really, that it’s such a limited selection. If I were to find my ideal card for Grace, it’d be Tony Stark riding a unicorn while carrying a basket of kittens.

I would have thought the Internet would have made this happen already, but if you Tony Stark riding a Unicorn, this is what comes up first.

I would have thought the Internet would have made this happen already, but if you Google Tony Stark riding a Unicorn, this is what comes up first.

It’s strange that it still breaks down like this, twenty years since the end of my childhood.  It’s not that I necessarily want my nieces to spurn all things Princess, but I don’t like when that’s the biggest option.  Lately, since I have so many nieces now, I’ve been hunting down books that aim towards heroines that are unapologetically themselves. Olivia is a perennial favorite for me because she’s so energetically creative.  She sings, dances, sculpts, paints, reads, and has a rich inner fantasy life.  Another recent favorite is Loud Emily.  I told my mother about this book, and she said, “I assume you’ll buy a copy for Harper?” (Harper found her voice over the past year, and it is indeed a loud one).  Read it and buy a copy for all of your nieces.  The point is, it seems that the narrative for girls as they exit toddlerhood and enter childhood is that they must choose a path – princess or tomboy (and for that matter, boys never get to choose princess, which is another load of crap but not the load of crap I’m talking about).  I don’t want that for these girls.  I want Grace to keep wearing pink sparkly shoes and asking for Iron Man action figures for her birthday.  It isn’t so hard to like both, right?  I played Star Wars and Ghostbusters with my brothers, then turned around used their glowy Construx to fashion a fairy-wand and flitted around in our basement in a tutu, then turned around and wrote stories about dinosaurs.  Come on, that was 25 years ago.  Catch up, society!

I find your lack of faith... disturbing.

I find your lack of faith… disturbing.

three conversations with boys.

Me: Hey!  Awesome Robot shirt!  I like it!
Boy1: Thanks, Ms Katie, but you know, this isn’t my good robot shirt.

Me: Is that the magic schoolbus?
Boy2: No.  It’s the SUPER schoolbus.
Me: What does it do?
Boy2: It goes after evil schoolbusses.
Me: There are evil schoolbusses?  That’s news to me. What do evil schoolbusses do?
Boy2: They run people over.
Me: Well, that’ll do it.

Boy3: Hey!  Would I be dead for my whole life if I ate a whole tree?
Me:  What?
Boy3: Would I be dead for my whole life if I ate a whole tree?
Me: Would you be dead for your whole life if you ate a whole tree?
Boy3: Yeah!
Me: Well you certainly won’t feel very well if you eat a whole tree.  And I’m not sure how you’d go about doing it.
Boy3: I’d chop it up into tiny pieces with an axe!
Me: Or a woodchipper.
Boy3: Yeah!  Or I can just start eating paper.

 

Things I saw walking around my neighborhood, and reasons I never write: A Pictorial

The afternoon turning out to be a free one for me, and the day finally warm and springlike after what was probably the most ridiculous winter I’ve ever experienced, I took it upon myself to take a long walk around my neighborhood — specifically around a large, rambling park with a lake, not far from my house.  No, not that large rambling park with a lake, the other one.  I often bike in this park, but as I am recovering from a late spring chest-cold (see:  Ridiculous Winter), an amble was more fitting to the current capacity of my lungs.

On my walk, I encountered a retired man on a scooter twice, and both times he stopped to engage me in conversation and congratulate me on not walking into the lake by accident and himself for not running into a tree.  I didn’t realize I had my “I am notoriously clumsy” t-shirt on, but apparently I did.  I didn’t see him again, so for all he knows, I did walk into the lake by accident.  I also came across two men, one with Downs, the other I assumed a relative, having a whisper-discussion over a pair of ducks, wondering aloud where they might be nested and whether it’s too early for them to lay eggs.  Later, I saw both of these men on a swingset, which was kind of nice to see.  I happened upon what I thought at first to be a pair of kids walking with their grandpa, but turned out to be an older man walking alone and being chatted at by the two kids on a walk with their mom and dad, who kept shouting at them to “Come back here!” and “Leave that poor man alone!  Let him enjoy his walk!”   He didn’t seem to mind.

I also came across these things:

This Drunk Tree

This Drunk Tree

This old timey gas pump that apparently powers this porto potty.

This old timey gas pump that apparently powers this porto potty.

This house with a weirdly placed turret.

This house with a weirdly placed turret.

I was trying to get a good picture of the turret in the house without freaking out the shirtless male jogger who was passing by as I took out my phone.  I wanted to say, “Don’t worry, I just like taking pictures of houses!” but that might be something a weirdo would say.  I tried to make it look like I was checking facebook, because no walk is complete without checking out social media. Anyway, back to the house —  What struck me as unusual was that the turret was not on the side of the house, or above the house in anyway, but tucked between two gables in the house, not at all rising up like one would imagine a turret should. It was stumpy and hidden, almost like part of the house got built around it.  It looked a bit like a piece of food between two teeth.

Also, I’ve been meaning to write, but as you can see, when I take pen to paper, the following occurs:

Come on, you guys.

Come on, you guys.

Seriously?

Seriously?

Does it account for my silence?  Maybe.  Not really.  It does account for all the cat hair on my desk, though.

fearsome glowy things

We would build a haunted house in the basement every year around Halloween.  It would be ad-hoc, meant only for the parents to walk through once or twice, and the materials were limited to whatever toys we had in the basement.  Headless barbies were strung from above, bedsheets from storage creating endless tunnels of darkness.  My cousin Amber played dead on a couch, rising with a shriek and a cackle when people passed by.  Corey, the smallest and most flexible, was curled up in a wicker chest, from which he would spring when cued by the guide – in this case, me.  I led my brothers, the architects of our small House of Horrors, on a run-through tour, describing each terrifying tableaux as we approached them.  The barbies were the banshees, Amber was a zombie, Corey was a mummy.  Above the wicker chest where Corey waited patiently, Mike had strung up a glow-in-dark orb from their Construx set.  Here, my invention ran out, and I said, “And above the mummy’s tomb is… the… fearsome… glowy thing?”

Instead of springing from the chest, Corey merely popped his head out.  “GLOWY THING?” he said, his voice dripping with disdain.  Mike and Bryan laughed.  Amber cackled from the couch, and throughout the rest of the evening, one or all of them would occasionally intone, “The fearsome… GLOWY THING!” at my expense.

***

The family room is different now.  For one, my parents replaced the carpet with tile and the wood paneling with drywall and wainscot.  Mike’s former bedroom became dad’s office.   When I was in high school, my parents tore down the wall to one of the storage rooms and effectively doubled the size of the basement family room.   They argued for weeks about the placement of an egress window, until one day I came home from school to find my dad, who worked from home, had taken the afternoon off to create a hole in the wall where he desired it.  This was November, so the window had to go in toot suite.

The whole house is different from the house my parents purchased shortly after Bryan was born.  They added an expansion when I was eight.  Pictures from my first communion show the renovation in process.  A house fire in 2000 resulted in a complete overhaul of doors, windows, and certain shorted out electrical sockets.  The kitchen linoleum I used to curse as I mopped it throughout my teen years is gone, traded in for an easier to clean wood laminate. White siding was replaced with brick and brown siding. The house was built in the seventies, but it looks brand-new.

***

When we weren’t building haunted houses, we were having wars and playing Capture the Flag.  The glowy things, as we came to call them after my Halloween faux pas,  made perfect missiles for a war of total darkness.  A pillow stuffed in the only window at that time darkened it considerably, and the stairs created a perfect boundary between two sides.  With the lights out and the glowy things charged, it became a game of listening and crawling to get to the other side.  The combinations of opposing sides were endless:  girls versus boys, older kids versus younger kids, everyone versus just Bryan, who was wily enough for the challenge.  As our younger cousins grew older, we indoctrinated them into the game, allowing our cool teenage selves to slip away as we introduced them to the sheer joy of pelting each other with Construx in the dark.

Alternatively, we set up Fisher Price villages on the pool table and knocked them down with billiard balls, creating an elaborate story about a corrupt village run by a corrupt leader who hid from justice.  Finding him and knocking him down was the most satisfying part of the game.  The corrupt mayor was inevitably played by the clown piece, because clowns were the worst.

***

When I went home last week, the for-sale sign was sticking out of the snow, half-buried by this endless winter.  I asked my mom when the Sold sign will be amended, and she wasn’t sure.  Probably not until after the inspection.

We packed huge bins with what to keep and what to send to good will.   Dad and I packed the moving bins into the truck, and we took the first load up to the lake house – itself far different from what it once was.  The main floor is already livable, some of the furniture having already made it up there.  The week before, Bryan and his wife Ali celebrated a belated anniversary at the lake house.  Ali took the opportunity to fill the place with a few celebratory welcome pieces – a blow-up bear head on the mantle, chocolate hearts on the pillows of the master suite, a basket of snacks on the counter.  I snapped a picture with my phone of Mom and Dad under the fake bear head on the mantle, grinning happily, like a pair of newlyweds.

Mom and I spent a peaceful day unpacking that first load and putting things where she wanted them, moving furniture, making plans for the next load of furniture while Dad put up the old kitchen cabinetry in his basement workspace.  I bossed her around about how the guest room furniture needed to be arranged.  We talked forever about where their offices should be, since they both work from home.  Dad and I had a discussion about just how many golden retrievers they would have to adopt once they got settled, and what their names should be.  I’m rallying hard for one of them to be named Scout, like from To Kill a Mockingbird.  “It’s one of your favorite movies,” I said to my dad.  Mom joked that one of them should be named Peggy, because she had neighbors growing up who had two golden retrievers, both named Peggy.  “At the same time,” she clarified.  “Peggy One, and Peggy Two.”

This is the bear.  We laughed until we peed when we saw it.

This is the bear. We laughed until we peed when we saw it.

***

A few weeks ago, we celebrated Easter early.  My SIL Bipa and I had a shower to attend for a college friend, and she and Mike had decided to both come and bring the kids for a weekend trip.  Bryan and Ali brought up the girls, since, as Bryan said with the sentimentality he’s acquired as an adult, “It’s probably the last time we’ll all be together in the old house.” Mom made the traditional Bunny cake with seven-minute frosting, giving my oldest niece and nephew the duty of decorating it with M&Ms and licorice.  Ali brought piles of plastic Easter Eggs, and I fretted about the cats and Davy-dog getting into them, because sometimes I like to ruin fun.

She also picked up a pack of glow-sticks from the dollar store, giving a bunch to each of the four cousins to play with in the basement.  My brother Mike and I watched them play, chasing each other around and laughing ecstatically   After Mike cracked a joke about a toddler rave, I brought up Pandora on my phone and made a Trance Station, which the kids loved and they started dancing.

As they danced I asked Mike if he remembered the battles we used to have with the glowy Construx, and the haunted houses, and the pool table villages.   We laughed and reminisced over all the stupid-fun we had in this house.

We will keep having stupid-fun.  We’ll just be having it in new places.

i’m here to be NUMBER ONE.

I think of myself as levelheaded and reasonable, but there is a distinct possibility that I am punchy and combative, too.  You’re the hero in your own story, but the crazy asshole in someone else’s story, and it helps to remember that and keep things in perspective.  All the same, I like being interesting more than I like being nice, but I also want to be universally liked.  It’s a weird dichotomy by which to live a life.  It’s like being in the ultimate of reality TV shows.  I’m not here to make FRIENDS, but I want to be enough of a draw that the game is rigged in my favor.

I’ve clearly said too much.

 

ALIVE.

No, haven’t fallen off the face of the earth.  Just a lot going on in April, really — baby-shower planning, Professional Development stuff, writing fictional work because the brain is working overdrive, writing professional development work because the law is the law, applying for various opportunities this summer, and also my parents sold their house.

 

!  !  !

 

So when I sit down to write a little something about myself, all I can think is BLARGH CATS KIDS BLAH BLAH BLAH.  Also, it’s snowing again, almost as if Minnesota is defying me to like it.

Also, I just finished reading Getting Mother’s Body, and I encourage you to do the same.

Here is a picture of Friday attempting to help my mom pack:

Not helpful.

Not helpful.

 

theology lessons

Kid 1:  Haha, I farted!

Kid 2:  Who cares?  That’s not that funny.  Everyone farts.  Farts are natural.

Kid 3:  Yeah.  God made the fart.

 

And He said, Pull My finger.  And He saw that it was good.

And He said, Pull My finger. And He saw that it was good.